Unsure really how to start this post so it’s more of a stream of consciousness rather than a well structured blog post, but I’ve been going around in circles wondering how I could actually construct something more coherent but I just come up with nothing instead lol but here are my general thoughts about this year as a whole, from a very personal perspective. I don’t think you need another person telling you how shit it is in the world as a whole right now.
General trigger warning for anorexia, self harm, suicide and darker topics, but I promise I have lots of nice things to say too!!!
Every year feels like it gets worse and worse compared to the last one and I struggle to see where I actually am at the end of each one. This has been the year where my health has declined, the year where I realised that my anorexia has relapsed in full swing and worse than it ever was before, and as much as I know it’s not my fault, I still can’t help but see it as a messed up sense of self harm and completely self inflicted that I’m not allowed to complain about because I ‘brought it upon myself’. Throughout the last few years, I’ve been in a constant suicidal depression that has been hard to pick myself out from, and it feels like the only way out of it was letting myself slowly fade away out of existence.
It’s also the year where a close family member attempted and caused major bodily harm and both of my grandmothers fell sick with cancer, knowing that I might have just seen them both for the last time when I visited a couple of weeks ago because I live overseas now. On top of being confronted that I have declined so close to the point of permanent damage to my body and that I can’t function well any more, safe to say that death and the fear it gives me has been so heavily on my mind lately. I don’t have deep or even well-thought out ideas or words about it, just that my brain has been on a weird spiral lately, and racing between the fear of losing the ones I love yet also wanting it so badly for myself. And I feel so guilty knowing that I’m inflicting that same feeling onto my loved ones, who have watched me start fading away and have felt helpless to it.
Some old wounds also got tore open, I had to go to a new foreigners office again to extend my German residence permit, thus finding out through them that I got mistreated and mishandled at the previous authority. Which was kind of validating, now knowing that I wasn’t crazy for feeling like I got fucked over, or doing things incorrectly the first time, but I wish I didn’t have to go through the things I did back then. What’s done is done now and I’m grateful for a better authority who knows how to deal with my immigration case, and also the stability for the next 3 years. I have some loose ends to tie up in regards to the process of getting education certificates verified in Germany, which also caused me a bit of stress dealing with bureaucracy again lol, but hopefully that will end at the beginning of the new year.
But through it all, I’ve been able to establish my shop properly, create and sell things that I’m passionate about, do my first markets, and keep producing art that I’m genuinely proud to share with those who take their time to engage with it, whether that be through commenting or just privately viewing it. I’m so grateful that I have the people who follow me, uplifting not only my art, but also myself as a person, especially at my most vulnerable moments, and engaging with my thoughts. So thank you so much.
I’ve grown a lot as a person this year, I’ve been able to meet so many valuable and inspiring people that I’m so glad to call my friends, and I finally do feel at home where I am with those around me. It was a hard thing to feel before, but now I can’t see myself anywhere else but where I am right now. Despite feeling at home, it can get hard to combat the gnawing suicidal thoughts when I can’t see a future for myself most days, but staying in the moment with those I care about and feeling safe has made my mind much clearer and gives me a reason to keep going and be there. For them, and also for myself.
I think it’s easier now to feel at home in Germany when I can finally speak the language to a functioning level beyond the bare minimum, where it’s been easier to speak for myself and actually express myself beyond just food and drink preferences. Even though it’s super hard to actually be non-binary in German outside of queer communities because the language doesn’t include it lol. But I feel way less invisible than before.
I want the next year to be one where I can fight for myself, I don’t want to be in a mindset where I can willingly let myself decline and find misguided comfort in fading away, and finally feel comfortable in my body. I don’t know if I ever have felt comfortable in it, it’s been a cycle of gender dysphoria, dysmorphia and anorexia since I can remember, but I want to treat the one thing that keeps me alive better, and finally be kind to it. I can’t begin to explain how my mind has ended up being so self destructive because it goes way beyond the scope of a 2025 recap, but I just want the next year to one of acceptance and finally feeling proud to be myself. I can’t predict how everything will go and it scares me, but hopefully I’ll be in a better place.
I live and breathe art, so I can promise that I have many things that I look forward to in the year ahead in terms of art and DIY projects, alongside more things I want to work on with my shop, and also customising my appearance lol. I’m super happy with the content of my art output this year, despite it being not as much as I’d have liked but that’s alright, I think I made some of my best stuff this year and I’m happy with how it’s been progressing.
Thank you for sticking with me through it, and I hope you still stick around for 2026. Take care in the New Year and have a good one, I hope it treats you well. Much love if you read this far too!!
